Every day, at least once, I have moments — longer than merely moments as the word would suggest — when I think:
“What is wrong with me? Why do I think like this?”
I’m not angry or shaming myself. I seriously think something is wrong with the way my brain thinks.
I over think everything. I over analyze the present and I assume intentions of people around me. It’s very unfair for them for me to assume anything about them. And it drives me nuts.
It’s not healthy. My brain and thoughts patterns are not healthy.
That’s why I think something is wrong with me.
Today, as I went into my place of over thinking/pity party/wondering if I should call a psychiatrist, I had a thought. Bear with me as I take you through my thought process and where it came from.
Back in June, I began writing a self help journalling book for women who are working to overcome emotional eating. And in it, I instruct the women to accept each emotion. To not judge it. But to sit with it and feel it fully.
Feel it, and learn the lesson it has come to give. Then you can move past it.
When I go through my “moments”, I am scared that if I give into them, I will fall into a deep depression. But I hear over and over again of how, when you allow yourself to fully and completely feel the emotion you are struggling with, it usually lasts for not nearly as long as you think it will.
I am okay to accept this for other people, but I have failed to accept it for myself.
Why is that? Do I really think I am that much more unique than everyone else?
That my problems are more significant?
That I am the only one who over analyzes, over thinks, incessantly questions, and assumes unjust motives to why people do what they do and say what they say?
I do tend to think I am more unique than others…
only because I often feel very alone.
Like no one understands me. Like no one understands what goes on in my mind and it’s usually because I’m afraid of being vulnerable and opening up to anyone who I might possibly trust. The list of people who have earned the right to hear my thoughts (Brené Brown says this) is short, but that’s not important.
What if I took my own advice?
What if…I sat with each emotion?
What if…I didn’t have children around me all the time driving me crazy with their questions, noises, and selfish demands?
What if…I could lock myself in a quiet, sound-proof room each time I had to go there to just BE with my thoughts and emotions. Scratch the thoughts, the thoughts will always be there. If I could work through the emotional side of things, the thoughts will gradually learn to behave.
Is there such a thing as hope for the person who spends too much time fighting the thoughts and emotions she is scared to feel?
There must be.