Please be aware, I am feeling especially sarcastic and exhausted today.
If you are easily offended, feel free to skip this one.
It starts off calmly enough and then totally blows up (no pun intended) at the end.
Also, I have not died at the posting of this fake eulogy. It’s all part of 500 Words a Day.
My assignment? Write my eulogy. Obviously.
Today, we gather together to remember Angela. Wife, Mother, and Animal Lover.
Angela is survived by her husband Mike and her five children, two of whom couldn’t be here today because they are playing in a League of Legends tournament. We wish them well.
Angela was born December 6th, St. Nicholas Day and the same day as her Great Grandma W. and her favourite Uncle Rudy, to her aging parents, Joe and Marge. She enjoyed an idyllic childhood growing up in the country, playing piano, and spending time outdoors with her many pets and eating ladybugs and crickets.
Some of her favourite things to do were falling out of trees and going snowmobiling with her Dad. She also loved spending time with her friend Shelley and racing horses with her. Shelley usually won, but only because Angela insisted on riding backwards.
Angela was a quirky girl. She was usually well behaved and quiet, but every once in a while, she did something that would completely shock you. As she got older, she became as her Dad says, “almost rebellious. Not enough to put her in jail but enough that her Mom and I questioned if she was actually ours.” End quote.
Her friend Shelley remembers her differently. “Angela was an easy going person. She was always up for a good time. Yeah, we did some pretty silly things when we got a little older but nothing I’d be too embarrassed to talk about. Except for that one thing we did at school in the stairwell. There were times when she was really judgmental and cruel, but she outgrew that after a while and we were cool.”
Her many roommates remember Angela as being responsible but eccentric. “She was obsessed with laughing. All she wanted to do was laugh at everything. Sometimes that meant that she made fun of us. But we still loved her. After all, she washed most of the dishes and vacuumed the place for us. She also slept a lot and paid her rent, and sometimes ours, on time. Overall, a really good roomie.”
Angela was predeceased by her Mother in 1996. This void affected Angela for the rest of her life. She often thought about how much her Mom would have enjoyed her five children. Then again, seeing as she had only had two children herself, maybe she had died to avoid seeing her crazy daughter’s offspring. The first year after her passing, Angela took her rebellion to a whole new level and began drinking, smoking, and sleeping — literally — with guys.
Angela met her husband on a blind date in 1997. By then, she had pulled herself together before doing anything she would really regret. Like buy an elephant. The two of them had a whirlwind romance which resulted in their marriage just eleven months later. Some people just don’t take “no” for an answer.
Mike and Angela were blessed with five crazy children between 2001 and 2008. They also experienced two early miscarriage losses which Angela got over but never forgot. The pull of heaven had only intensified for her.
The couple survived a house fire in 2004 followed by a home rebuild. Angela was never one for shopping, but under her husband’s tight fist, she gradually made their new house a home even with a growing belly and a sore back. Angela never enjoyed pregnancy and obviously she had no idea how to prevent it. Together, Mike and Angela figured out a way to prevent further disasters just before their last son was born prematurely in 2008.
Angela spent most of her life wishing for more. More dogs, more time outside, more dishes to wash, more children to clean up after, and more bathrooms to clean. When two dogs and five children weren’t enough, she began fostering puppies and volunteering at school in an attempt to fill her empty days.
The work she did at home was rarely appreciated but that’s exactly how she wanted it. She loved sacrificing her body, mind, and soul for her family even to the point when it caused her heart and brain to give out.
On October 23, 2016, Angela’s body succumbed to the extreme stress it was under. Angela suffered a fatal brain and heart explosion that left parts of her body permanently stuck to the walls of her current home. The family is undecided at this time whether or not they will remain in the house or take the advice of others and burn it to the ground.
At her request, the remainder of Angela’s body has been cremated and will be fed to her dogs, one teaspoon a day. That is, if her sons actually remember to feed the dogs.
In lieu of flowers, donations will gladly accepted at I-MAS. That’s the Institute for Mothers Against Stress Organization. Angela never knew of the organization but she probably would have approved and found time to volunteer during her buckets of free time.